Sentimiento muy perdido

Feeling very lost today, don't know why.

you know when you get that feeling of complete clarity, but you turn round, blink and its gone and all your left with is the feeling of being lost and not knowing where to go from here, well that's where I'm at. i have a plan, i know where i wanna go from here, how i want things to change, how i want me to change, and it seems so wonderful, but only ever briefly does it seem wonderful, and then the doubt just creeps back in and consumes the clarity. then it just becomes all blurry again, i get confused.

i don't think my poor brain knows whether its coming or going.

i just have to keep my eye on the end result and know that what i want to change has to be, needs to be changed for the sake of my sanity. even if i fail at least i know i will have tried and at this moment in my life i have never tried, i regret that. people have always been surrounding me that have stopped me, have pulled me under and make me believe that i am not worth it, that i cant do it. they have enticed me away from my dreams, from what i want for me. they have always succeeded, but NO more. i do feel i have turned a corner, it may of taken me a long old time getting here and yes like most people I'm sure, i have regrets and wish i could go back and change just one event that had a snowball effect on my life but i cant change it. what i have right now is all i have to work with, and while it might not be much i think i can get there with it. Here's to hoping right, to wishing, to wanting, to keeping the dream alive no matter how big or small everyone has the right, the privilege to dream, to want to be something more than they are if they are unhappy with what they see in the mirror or what they experience each and everyday day. to everyone out there who feels deep in their souls that they are meant for something more, that they have that burning passion inside that tells them this, what they have isn't for you, and that you need to reach higher.

i have also been the one that has held myself back for so long. there has always been that voice in my head that says to me, 'your no good, you have no talent you will never make it, people will hate what you write, your ideas and who you are' but if i don't try i will never find out will i. if i don't have a talent for writing then someone will I'm very sure let me know that i suck, that's just the wonderful world we live in today.

until there are people who say to me that i am nothing and have no hope i will keep trying. i will keep the that hope alive. but i fear i am but one voice lost within the masses and there are far better people than me out there.

Todavia se puede sonar

Lesson Learned

Today i have just learned the meaning behind 'you can only count on yourself in this world'
I get it now. All you have in this world, in this life is you. You will always be there, you won't forget about you, you wont leave you.
i have found that people who tell you that they will be there for you, that they care about you, that they will always look out for you, if you ever need to talk their there for you, well those people might just be lying to you. In my case, they were. it just doesn't matter how long i have know these people they have never been there for me. my eyes have been opened today and i will never make that mistake with them again. i feel very let down by things that have happened but also liberated that i have finally woke up to what has been going on for so long.
one person in particular, that i spent a big part of my life with, someone who i gave my heart to, put my life on hold for and then he decided that i wasn't what he wanted for his future. 9yrs wasted.
But then i have to ask myself, is all this my own doing? have i some how created this? Maybe. Maybe it is me that is the common factor. maybe its me and who i am, is why people, friends, have abandoned me. i always tried. i always made the effort and keep in touch with people, and then thought why should it just be me making the effort all the time. maybe that's the problem, i stopped making the effort and those people that said they were friends just didn't even care that i had. its sad that for so many years i tried and wasted energy and time on people that didn't give a shit. even worse is the time and effort i wasted on a man who turned out to never even love me. i was just an easy ride, someone who would look after him.
these are the reasons i feel liberated today. i feel liberated from a life that for so long has pulled me under. they have taken what they wanted from me and now that i am no longer of use they think they can pick me up when is convenient for them. sorry I'm done now.
Today is a new life. i am me again.

Vision

I wanna cut it out. I wanna cut out the pain, the hurt, everything that makes me think these thoughts. I have a brain that I feel thinks on a different level to everything that I have ever been taught. I don’t know where these thoughts come from. They just come to me. The words just fill me. Sometimes they eat me up inside that they just have to come out. Sometimes they make no sense. I just write and this is what comes out. Sometimes when I write I have no control. My fingers do the talking. I feel disconnected like something inside just over whelms me and just screams at me to come out.
that’s what its like, I have no control. But surely somewhere deep down there is control that makes me write these words. I really just don’t know any more. I feel very lost in a world that has changed so much for the worst not better.
How do I know what I’m doing is even the right path for me? How do I know? The want, the desire, that’s within me, I think just takes over.
For so long now all I have is the words that I write. But I know deep down that I just don’t cut it, I don’t have what it takes. I’m no good. The one thing that saves me and I know that all they will ever be are words. Words that will never be remembered, words that will be forgotten. I try, but I just don’t have enough vision to be good enough for this world. Hey, Maybe in the next life I might just make it.

Touching the Rainbow

i wanted to explain the name for my blog and why i chose it.

for me, my whole life has been spent trying to touch the rainbow. to reach for something that is so clear, but is always just too far away, to know that you will never be able to touch it, and there's that it isn't an object, it can't ever be touched.

The rainbow presents itself, so beautiful you look at it and want to reach out. its beauty comes from, at times, such a destructive event, which for me makes it even more special.

some people in this world manage to touch the rainbow and hold onto it. they reached for something that seemed impossible and they made it, they got their dream.

maybe one day i will be able to touch the rainbow. to those who made it cherish every moment, ill join you one day, but for now,

'Sigue tratando de que toque arco iris'

(still trying to touch that rainbow)

Alone in the dark

I only ever cry alone in the dark. No one to share the thoughts inside. I don’t belong anywhere. I wonder, searching for a place that my heart feels like it will belong. I feel my search will be endless. I itch inside my skin, like its not my own. Sometimes I don’t recognise the image that stares back at me. I feel disconnected with what I see and what I feel inside.
My mind aches with all these words that at times just cant flow.
We have no humanity left in society today. Creativity has left most of us.
If I could only turn back time, begin again, make better choices for my life. I should have listened to my head. It sound strange but I should of. Listening to my hearts desires has left me with nothing, it has left me alone in the dark. I have let people take advantage of a giving nature. All they ever did was take. As the years have passed I see that now. Always I have been there for my friends in times of need and when I found I was In need their was no one to be seen. They had all left me alone in the dark.
And that’s where I am today, alone with no one to comfort me. No one to say that everything will be ok. Alone once again, fighting for everything, fighting to keep hold of who I am. But the question I always hear inside my mind, but who are you? Do you know? My answer is always no. I don’t know who I am, does anybody?

NHS v American healthcare system (my rant)

i sit here and i hear all the things that are being said by American people about the united kingdoms NHS. most of these views are being feed to them by the people in power who are trying to undermine Barack Obama and his plans for the American Health care system.
So i felt the overwhelming need to write this blog.
The health care in the U.K may not be perfect but then neither is the health care in the U.S. but here in the U.K it doesn't matter where you are socially, if you have no job or live on the streets, if your even from another country on holiday or seeking asylum you can GET health care in this country. i am for one proud to know that whatever happens to me i will be able to be treated and don't have to worry if my health insurance will cover it.
around 45 million Americans almost 15% of their population have no health insurance. they cannot be treated by any hospital. what happens to those people if they hurt themselves? have an accident? tell me that America, what happens to those people?
Here in the U.K this problem doesn't exist. Like i said our health care isn't perfect, any Briton will tell you guys that. there are areas that need changing, the NHS always needs more money for the doctors and the nurses as lets face it they don't earn enough money for what they do for people, but everyone has the right to be treated, to have health care. It's not a privilege its a right to be able to be cared for in your time of need, for your country to be able to care for all of it citizens no matter your social standing.
The point of this blog and I'm getting there is basically to say our health care system is ours and it has always been this way. before you begin to piss all over the U.K' care system think about your own and how imperfect it is. the people who are saying these things about the NHS they have health insurance, them and their families are covered if they need that care. why don't you just spare a thought for those Americans who do not have Health insurance, who have no where to go if they need help.
spend a moment and think about that.
Sorry for the rant but i really wanted to have my say. i know i have repeated myself but hey its a rant for a reason people.

Pulled Under

You never listen to me. You never want to hear my opinion. To you I am nothing. Someone you just use to your advantage. Never have you supported anything that I dream for, that I have tried to reach for. Once again you managed to suck me back into your world, a world where you want me to be you and obey what you want. I fight so hard to change, to reach for my dreams but there is always your hand clutching at mine and never letting go.
I look and my life is in ruins. I truly am a nobody, a nothing, an invalid being that’s not worth the air or space that I occupy.
I broke free many years ago and found another that pulled me down into the darkness. Maybe it’s me. Maybe im the failure and the people around me are merely an escape goat for me to use.